June 12, 2010

On the eve of this date, I was OUT already  to my officemates.

We had a Department Outing and since they were so insistent asking about something 

I couldn't answer them truthfully, at last, I revealed what should have been revealed, a long time ago!

I was just happy with the result! They had been so understanding and respectful to me!

Anyway, I might be encountering different reactions sooner from different people I know of but

I am just hoping and crossing my fingers that I would be able to deal with it positively.

While I was browsing my blogsite here, I noticed some of my old blogs that I posted here. I read some of the articles which I didn't  originally write at all but I just got it from other sources and just shared and posted  them here. 

I suddenly got surpised of myself of these previous blogs. I got to ask myself  what blogging really is.

Isn't it that blogging is expressing yourself and writing your thoughts in your own words?  

That it would be useless blogging if you post articles coming from other sources other than your own.

So I decided to delete those former shared articles and I felt good afterwards.

I realized that it's better to have a blogsite that you can call your own since all the articles in there are all yours.

That all stuffs that you've shared out are really coming from your own thoughts and you actually experience them as well. . 

Actually, other people also noticed that I was really too gullible. I take things very seriously when they are just joking. And I really got annoyed with it. I felt like I am too stupid… Who is to blame? Of course, me! No one else. Funny indeed!

Well I admit there is this stupidity thing in me.

I appreciated though that W tried to defend me.  W said that I was just vain and that’s the way I act.  I was not sure though what other stuffs W unknowingly didn’t share to me when R and W conversed. .

Well, I was really expecting R had already doubted my capabilities as a guy. Before,  I was trying not to entertain the idea though. I thought during the time when I was starting to change myself that I would prove them wrong that if we and R became couple, I would be able to show how lucky a girl could have someone like me.  Unfortunately, none of it was materialized. And now, it was confirmed that R was actually thinking something wrong about me. She doubted my capacity as a guy and maybe thought me as a gay. That is why; she started to get away from me then. That was the time she no longer texting me and calling me as well. And also she has just found a new boyfriend in her life. I was hurt really but I did not show to anyone. I felt the pain. I remembered the days the life changing I was trying to do. How it went through.

I don’t blame them basically. All the people in my life. .  I think the fault is with me. I am not being myself in the first place. Well, even at this time I am confused about myself. I am still in going through the identity crisis. Am I straight or gay? But sometimes, somehow the answers were already in front of me but honestly I was just afraid to accept them. Maybe I was just hoping for a positive change in my life. Changes that manifest what a real man is the way society accept it.

I really don’t know yet… maybe someday ….   Someday .... Time will be the one to tell everything …

Having a medium to share your thoughts/opinions wherein sometimes you simply  can’t spill them out directly in front of a person or your  friend’s face, I am absolutely  grateful  that  there is such a Blogsite…Well,  I plainly wanna express some thoughts  about this subject …

If you see me or meet me and we happened to have had a conversation, please don’t ask me EVER again, please! Why, at this time, I am still SINGLE (?)

But who cares. Being a single is a choice. Don’t you agree? So long as you’re happy with it.

I appreciate your concern towards me but I am practically ok and absolutely fine.

It’s just that, I am starting to get annoyed every time I am being asked of it.

My ears are getting allergic already of hearing, “You’re nice and good to look at, you are a boyfriend-material and it’s very unusual at your age you still have no one whom you are romantically involved with.  (Thank you! If that what you see in me)

Why? What do you wanna know in the first place?

I have always been single through out my life.

And I am happy with it. In fact, I had never involved myself romantically.  

It was solely my choice not to have one.

Yes, like an ordinary guy, I have been dreaming of having one too.

As a matter of fact, I am a type of person who is very romantic. I think I really am. But I am a kind of person that when it comes to “Love”, I use more my brain over my heart.  I don’t want my emotional side eats me up.

No one knew this but several times, I did take risk to court someone but unfortunately a lot of reasons stop me of pursuing it. I just chose to get hurt by myself but I manage to get by eventually.

I had so much regrets from other aspects of my life due to my aggressiveness but I am grateful, when it comes to finding love, I take things very slowly and I don’t easily fall into someone’s influences or impulses.  In fact, more often than not, I don’t really pay attention to it. I am not one of those who hurriedly and desperately find someone to be with just to be “in” or to “prove” something or just “showing” to others that, at last, they had one  already or they just had a new - one again  or anything like that.  

On a positive note, I don’t single out those who are really into “commitment” thing.

I know it’s very confusing but I am entitled with my own privacy, whatever they are!

And for heaven’s sake, this is my life. I know where I am heading and leading to.

I am just tired being asked every time of those types and related questions per se.

I hate explaining myself with those questions, actually!  I am already fed up. I was just too nice not to say “back off”.

Moreover, I don’t like the idea of being matched and teased to someone or anyone. I’ll get very touchy, you know. So please count me out of it. As a friend of yours, I’ll appreciate you more if you do so. We can talk anything under the sun except this subject. 

As for me, it doesn’t matter if I don’t commit myself to someone. We all have choices in our lives. And this is my choice. Getting old and having not experienced it, so what?

Ultimately, no one can certainly predict what will happen to us years from now. Something happens and changes everyday.  Events are inevitable so you’ll never really know.

Some say, it’s easy to state it but you will never ever know the circumstances unless you give a shot of it. Yeah, got the point but having choices in our own lives still matter and prevail. After all, it is we who primarily make our own destinies. 

Why am I saying all these? 

Why?

Do you care a bit? 

Am I just making myself here funny?

Grumpy?  Foolish? 

But who cares?

Just expressing myself anyway!

Somehow, I made some points, at least!

If you wanna comment, please be sensible or private message me (PM)! Anyway, its easy deleting nasty comments, you know!

I was viewing youtube when I came across this song - version by Jonalyn Viray

The lyrics are inspirational and very uplifting.

"Impossible Dream"
Luther Vandross


***LYRICS***

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
And to run where
the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
And to love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march,
march into hell
For that heavenly cause
And I know
If I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest
And the world will be
better for this
That one man, scorned
and covered with scars,
Still strove with his last
ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable,
the unreachable,
The unreachable star
And I'll always dream
The impossible dream
Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

I posted some comments from my friendster account and I just want to delete them there.

I prefer saving "comments" there which are being commented by my friends or other people

I just wanna keep them here though. 

Unfortunately I began deleting some awhileago before I decided to just keep them here.

***************************************************************************************************

                         Posted 12/29/2008 7:03 pm

• "...If I told you that this song was meant for you, would you believe me? It may not sound as beautiful as other songs, you may not know that love songs couldn't be written out if we didn't have the feelings of love but for you, sweetheart it all came out easily. You may have heard thousands of love ballads, some may touch your heart though they mean nothing more..But you'll know when you listen to this song, it was meant just for you.You would know by heart what what meant and we would be there for each other...."

• ".. to love someone doesn't mean to commit with that person. Sometimes you just have to be satisfied with whatever connection you have with that Special One....."

• [WHY I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?]
  
  "...Since I met you, I've fallen in love with you at least a 100 different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you're so involved in that you're unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether your being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, You have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than words. Falling in love for the first time, staying in love during the rough times , finding more to love about each other everyday. And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again......"

Hi Bloggie! Howdy?  You know, I do have a lot of things  and stuffs to tell and share to you. 

You're the only one I could be myself truly and I really try to  make it up to you.

This past days, months that I went thru were full of excitement and dramas as well ... ha ha ha ..

I've been addicted with suurfing the net. 

I realized that this year, i went out of town so much specially this summer season. 

But you know, I have been enjoying it. 

Though  my family is having financial difficulties nowadays.

Bloggie, my time is up. The shop will be closing now. 

I'll get back to you soon. Ok.

Yes. I like to welcome myself again here. Of course, I always say sorry to you bloggie for not frequently visiting you and share what had transpired in my daily activities. You know, sometimes I  get very busy and no time browsing the net, indeed. 

 Anyway,  don’t worry maybe one day, there will be that  day that I am unstoppable sharing my stories. That’s for sure. I certainly anticipate that to happen. Maybe at the moment , I just can’t find the right words and scenario to begin my story. But definitely the next time will be a long one. 

I haven’t practiced my English skills in such a long time. and I guess sooner than I think I would start doing it again. That’s still my passion, learning and speaking english the right way and I hope I would benefit from it. That , time will come that I would be able to make myself  proud, of  not stopping learning from it. And I hope too that this would create a good investment for myself. To be more competitive at that.

 This is all for now.  be back soon. 

 Cheers!! 

This is the day where I truly enjoy. I am a social member of our ERC  in our company and we had an activity where I had been my ownself. It was my first time to take video all throughout the event. That's part of being a member. It's like participating everytime there is an event. And i like it and I enjoyed doing it.

After our President's Report, a pre-valentine party was prepared. There was a videoke that highlighted the event. I also joined other employees whom I don't normally get mingled with. They are funny to be with and what gave me an excitement and made myself proud was when they asked me to sing and I gave it my all. I kind of nervous at first but hey I shined  afterwards. Well, i believe they liked what I performed. Though I think I have to be a  little bit more practicing with the songs that I will be singing  so in the future, I would be giving the best performances of my life.

 I love to entertain people. Before I was shy and I always get nervous but I am happy enough that I am able to conquer it . I don't want to become boastful in anyway . i just want others to have fun too while I perform.  i think some were really surprised of my actuations awhile ago. They had not seen me like this acting that way before . But still I am happy I did it. I had fun indeed. I drunk a couple bottles of beer but I was not drunk. That's actually surprising . I think I also puffed  about 10 sticks of cigarettes without the feeling of suffocation.

I really like the feeling of being with people and be myself.

Now, it's 11:05 PM in my computer  desk and I am just alone here. I am not afraid.

I started to blog again. And I felt good since the flow of my thoughts are just coming out spontaneously and I got to express them in English language.  I genuinely like  the idea of expressing my thoughts in English. And I hope I would be able to express myself  well verbally  too.

It really takes time to learn it but with continual practicing such like this, I will be able to achieve it eventually.

 I believe on myself.  I really can do it!

This is all for now. I better be going home.

Thank you Father God for giving me and letting me to experience  another day full of joys and excitements.

 Till next time.