IT HURTS!

Last Tuesday, “R” phoned in our office and W was able to answer. Since that was the  time W had talked to R again, W had a chitchat to her. I thought W was just joking when she told me that she had just talked to R. And I was one of their topics.  Of course since R was previously being teased and matched romantically to me and my other officemates, W then asked R why me and R didn’t click. To me being observed R as a talkative one, I was not expecting anymore whatever she says if she would asked by someone why during the time we were kind of having an “MU”, nothing romantic affair had happened between us. At first, W generally broadcasted to some of my officemates why we both didn’t click at all. W shared that R said “I am not capable of protecting her, in case we became couples”.  I thought W then was just joking but deep inside me I was starting to get hurt.  I was embarrassed hearing that. A, my boy officemate, I wasn’t sure what he’s thinking. Disappointed? Maybe he just decided not to give comment but L, the other girl officemate tried to tease me, like “I am nothing. What’s the use of going to gym and build muscles if I don’t know how to protect a girl?” I knew L was just trying to make fun of me but I started to feel embarrassed. I wish W would have not brought up that topic to all. That W should have told it to me personally.  W noticed my reaction and she decided to tell me what they had talked about me. R told W that we didn’t click because she had reasons to. R realized that ‘I am not capable of protecting her. Maybe not a boyfriend material at that. .That it would be R who will protect me. Not the other way around. And that I am kind of effeminate in my actions. 

I appreciated though that W tried to defend me.  W said that I was just vain and that’s the way I act.  I was not sure though what other stuffs W unknowingly didn’t share to me when R and W conversed. .

Well, I was really expecting R had already doubted my capabilities as a guy. Before,  I was trying not to entertain the idea though. I thought during the time when I was starting to change myself that I would prove them wrong that if we and R became couple, I would be able to show how lucky a girl could have someone like me.  Unfortunately, none of it was materialized. And now, it was confirmed that R was actually thinking something wrong about me. She doubted my capacity as a guy and maybe thought me as a gay. That is why; she started to get away from me then. That was the time she no longer texting me and calling me as well. And also she has just found a new boyfriend in her life. I was hurt really but I did not show to anyone. I felt the pain. I remembered the days the life changing I was trying to do. How it went through.

I don’t blame them basically. All the people in my life. .  I think the fault is with me. I am not being myself in the first place. Well, even at this time I am confused about myself. I am still in going through the identity crisis. Am I straight or gay? But sometimes, somehow the answers were already in front of me but honestly I was just afraid to accept them. Maybe I was just hoping for a positive change in my life. Changes that manifest what a real man is the way society accept it.

I really don’t know yet… maybe someday ….   Someday …. Time will be the one to tell everything …