chaotic thoughts
November 4, 2008
I like to scream….sumigaw ng malakas … to swear words…. But that is not my personality….… Kelan kaya ako magbabago…or is there really something that need to be changed about me? With regards in dealing with friends, workmates, sa lahat ng tao … ang gulo ko..
I can’t organize my thoughts… basta ako ung taong ite –take na lang mag-isa ang sakit…. kahihiyan….lahat na… Just not to be told that naninira ako or anupaman… or ako ung taong I want everyone to be pleased para lang ok na lahat…Bat kasi ganun…. Masama ba akong tao? Makasarili? and I deserve this? … alam ko marami naman nagmamahal sa akin.. But pagdating sa sarili ko , wala akong kumpiyansa kaya lahat ng decisions at ginagawa ko , there’s always an errorr associated with it , feeling ko walang katuturan …. Ano ba ang
Anyway, feeling ko kagabi, I experienced the most shameful act about myself. Ang hirap i-kwento sa totoo lang. It’s very complicated and very personal on my part. …It’s really something that concerns my sexuality.
I did it because I was advised to do it. Just to prove something, you know. At siguro since I got excited and I pushed myself to do it.
I did it unknowingly I wasn’t ready yet. So what had happened? It was a mess. I got disappointed. Very disappointed, in fact. I degraded myself. I never felt degraded since last night. Ayoko ng isipin ung pangyayaring yun but it kept popping on my mind every so often. After the incident, my mind was so blank. Sobrang blanko talaga. Ganun pala yon, if you’re still on shock on what had happened, Tongue-tied ka talaga. Bumabalik balik of what had just happened. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano pa ang wisyo ko noon til I got home.
When I was at the jeep going home, I was planning of buying a beer at maglasing that night. Sobrang iniisip ko talaga na maglasing. Ewan ko why it didn’t push through. Pagdating ko, my 2 brothers were there. Alam mo un, I want to talk my problem to them. To get advise
Pero after nun, nag contemplate ako. Trying to weigh things out. I console myself. That hindi naman lahat ng bagay nakukuha sa mabilisang resulta. That I have to remember always, if I want “change” on me, it will be a long process indeed ..and what happened last night was just a basic move for me to know some answers to all my doubts. Painful and shameful ang naging resulta but I think that would not trigger me to give up. It’s gonna be a long process , so to speak. That starts my journey so far… it may be a failure or be a successful one.
One thing more, I haven’t tried and found all the possible answers yet, so I hope I’ll get over with this gradually and eventually.
