I’m OUT!!!!

June 12, 2010

On the eve of this date, I was OUT already  to my officemates.

We had a Department Outing and since they were so insistent asking about something 

I couldn’t answer them truthfully, at last, I revealed what should have been revealed, a long time ago!

I was just happy with the result! They had been so understanding and respectful to me!

Anyway, I might be encountering different reactions sooner from different people I know of but

I am just hoping and crossing my fingers that I would be able to deal with it positively.

Deleted Articles!

While I was browsing my blogsite here, I noticed some of my old blogs that I posted here. I read some of the articles which I didn’t  originally write at all but I just got it from other sources and just shared and posted  them here. 

I suddenly got surpised of myself of these previous blogs. I got to ask myself  what blogging really is.

Isn’t it that blogging is expressing yourself and writing your thoughts in your own words?  

That it would be useless blogging if you post articles coming from other sources other than your own.

So I decided to delete those former shared articles and I felt good afterwards.

I realized that it’s better to have a blogsite that you can call your own since all the articles in there are all yours.

That all stuffs that you’ve shared out are really coming from your own thoughts and you actually experience them as well. . 

I’M TOO GULLIBLE!

Today, my officemate L shared to us that her stomach is aching. Kind of she’s experiencing dysmenorrhea. Other officemate concluded it as well. Then W started to spill a joke if L didn’t try to stop along the way. Then I suddenly remember the commercial scene in TV that relates to L’s case. So I tried to make a joke that L easily just got what W meant. And W admired L for being such a fast - absorber of such a joke. Unlike me that I am too slow picking up the point if someone’s just trying to crack a joke. That I am too gullible to believe anything that others would say. And that’s really my personality. I kind of felt awkward after that.  Having realized this, well my ego has just been touched. I guess I just don’t want them to think that I am not smart at all.

Actually, other people also noticed that I was really too gullible. I take things very seriously when they are just joking. And I really got annoyed with it. I felt like I am too stupid… Who is to blame? Of course, me! No one else. Funny indeed!

Well I admit there is this stupidity thing in me.

IT HURTS!

Last Tuesday, “R” phoned in our office and W was able to answer. Since that was the  time W had talked to R again, W had a chitchat to her. I thought W was just joking when she told me that she had just talked to R. And I was one of their topics.  Of course since R was previously being teased and matched romantically to me and my other officemates, W then asked R why me and R didn’t click. To me being observed R as a talkative one, I was not expecting anymore whatever she says if she would asked by someone why during the time we were kind of having an “MU”, nothing romantic affair had happened between us. At first, W generally broadcasted to some of my officemates why we both didn’t click at all. W shared that R said “I am not capable of protecting her, in case we became couples”.  I thought W then was just joking but deep inside me I was starting to get hurt.  I was embarrassed hearing that. A, my boy officemate, I wasn’t sure what he’s thinking. Disappointed? Maybe he just decided not to give comment but L, the other girl officemate tried to tease me, like “I am nothing. What’s the use of going to gym and build muscles if I don’t know how to protect a girl?” I knew L was just trying to make fun of me but I started to feel embarrassed. I wish W would have not brought up that topic to all. That W should have told it to me personally.  W noticed my reaction and she decided to tell me what they had talked about me. R told W that we didn’t click because she had reasons to. R realized that ‘I am not capable of protecting her. Maybe not a boyfriend material at that. .That it would be R who will protect me. Not the other way around. And that I am kind of effeminate in my actions. 

I appreciated though that W tried to defend me.  W said that I was just vain and that’s the way I act.  I was not sure though what other stuffs W unknowingly didn’t share to me when R and W conversed. .

Well, I was really expecting R had already doubted my capabilities as a guy. Before,  I was trying not to entertain the idea though. I thought during the time when I was starting to change myself that I would prove them wrong that if we and R became couple, I would be able to show how lucky a girl could have someone like me.  Unfortunately, none of it was materialized. And now, it was confirmed that R was actually thinking something wrong about me. She doubted my capacity as a guy and maybe thought me as a gay. That is why; she started to get away from me then. That was the time she no longer texting me and calling me as well. And also she has just found a new boyfriend in her life. I was hurt really but I did not show to anyone. I felt the pain. I remembered the days the life changing I was trying to do. How it went through.

I don’t blame them basically. All the people in my life. .  I think the fault is with me. I am not being myself in the first place. Well, even at this time I am confused about myself. I am still in going through the identity crisis. Am I straight or gay? But sometimes, somehow the answers were already in front of me but honestly I was just afraid to accept them. Maybe I was just hoping for a positive change in my life. Changes that manifest what a real man is the way society accept it.

I really don’t know yet… maybe someday ….   Someday …. Time will be the one to tell everything …

Why am I still SINGLE? Please don’t ask ME ever again…..

If you see me or meet me and we happened to have had a conversation, please don’t ask me EVER again, please! Why, at this time, I am still SINGLE (?)

But who cares. Being a single is a choice. Don’t you agree? So long as you’re happy with it.

I appreciate your concern towards me but I am practically ok and absolutely fine.

It’s just that, I am starting to get annoyed every time I am being asked of it.

My ears are getting allergic already of hearing, “You’re nice and good to look at, you are a boyfriend-material and it’s very unusual at your age you still have no one whom you are romantically involved with.  (Thank you! If that what you see in me)

Why? What do you wanna know in the first place?

I have always been single through out my life.

And I am happy with it. In fact, I had never involved myself romantically.  

It was solely my choice not to have one.

Yes, like an ordinary guy, I have been dreaming of having one too.

As a matter of fact, I am a type of person who is very romantic. I think I really am. But I am a kind of person that when it comes to “Love”, I use more my brain over my heart.  I don’t want my emotional side eats me up.

No one knew this but several times, I did take risk to court someone but unfortunately a lot of reasons stop me of pursuing it. I just chose to get hurt by myself but I manage to get by eventually.

I had so much regrets from other aspects of my life due to my aggressiveness but I am grateful, when it comes to finding love, I take things very slowly and I don’t easily fall into someone’s influences or impulses.  In fact, more often than not, I don’t really pay attention to it. I am not one of those who hurriedly and desperately find someone to be with just to be “in” or to “prove” something or just “showing” to others that, at last, they had one  already or they just had a new - one again  or anything like that.  

On a positive note, I don’t single out those who are really into “commitment” thing.

I know it’s very confusing but I am entitled with my own privacy, whatever they are!

And for heaven’s sake, this is my life. I know where I am heading and leading to.

I am just tired being asked every time of those types and related questions per se.

I hate explaining myself with those questions, actually!  I am already fed up. I was just too nice not to say “back off”.

Moreover, I don’t like the idea of being matched and teased to someone or anyone. I’ll get very touchy, you know. So please count me out of it. As a friend of yours, I’ll appreciate you more if you do so. We can talk anything under the sun except this subject. 

As for me, it doesn’t matter if I don’t commit myself to someone. We all have choices in our lives. And this is my choice. Getting old and having not experienced it, so what?

Ultimately, no one can certainly predict what will happen to us years from now. Something happens and changes everyday.  Events are inevitable so you’ll never really know.

Some say, it’s easy to state it but you will never ever know the circumstances unless you give a shot of it. Yeah, got the point but having choices in our own lives still matter and prevail. After all, it is we who primarily make our own destinies. 

Why am I saying all these? 

Why?

Do you care a bit? 

Am I just making myself here funny?

Grumpy?  Foolish? 

But who cares?

Just expressing myself anyway!

Somehow, I made some points, at least!

If you wanna comment, please be sensible or private message me (PM)! Anyway, its easy deleting nasty comments, you know!

"Impossible Dream"

I was viewing youtube when I came across this song - version by Jonalyn Viray

The lyrics are inspirational and very uplifting.

“Impossible Dream”
Luther Vandross

***LYRICS***

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
And to run where
the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
And to love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march,
march into hell
For that heavenly cause
And I know
If I’ll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When I’m laid to my rest
And the world will be
better for this
That one man, scorned
and covered with scars,
Still strove with his last
ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable,
the unreachable,
The unreachable star
And I’ll always dream
The impossible dream
Yes, and I’ll reach

The unreachable star

Previous "Post Comments" deleted

I posted some comments from my friendster account and I just want to delete them there.

I prefer saving “comments” there which are being commented by my friends or other people

I just wanna keep them here though. 

Unfortunately I began deleting some awhileago before I decided to just keep them here.

***************************************************************************************************

                         Posted 12/29/2008 7:03 pm

• “…If I told you that this song was meant for you, would you believe me? It may not sound as beautiful as other songs, you may not know that love songs couldn’t be written out if we didn’t have the feelings of love but for you, sweetheart it all came out easily. You may have heard thousands of love ballads, some may touch your heart though they mean nothing more..But you’ll know when you listen to this song, it was meant just for you.You would know by heart what what meant and we would be there for each other….”

                        Posted 12/29/2008 6:55 pm

• “.. to love someone doesn’t mean to commit with that person. Sometimes you just have to be satisfied with whatever connection you have with that Special One…..”

                         Posted 12/29/2008 6:51 pm

• [WHY I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?]

  “…Since I met you, I’ve fallen in love with you at least a 100 different reasons. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I watch you doing something you enjoy, something you’re so involved in that you’re unaware of my presence. Sometimes I fall in love with you when I listen to you talk to other people. Whether your being interesting and funny or warm and caring and genuinely concerned, You have a way of making people feel better with nothing more than words. Falling in love for the first time, staying in love during the rough times , finding more to love about each other everyday. And whenever I think about the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again……”

                        Posted 06/08/2008 8:44 pm

i’m here again

Hi Bloggie! Howdy?  You know, I do have a lot of things  and stuffs to tell and share to you. 

You’re the only one I could be myself truly and I really try to  make it up to you.

This past days, months that I went thru were full of excitement and dramas as well … ha ha ha ..

I’ve been addicted with suurfing the net. 

I realized that this year, i went out of town so much specially this summer season. 

But you know, I have been enjoying it. 

Though  my family is having financial difficulties nowadays.

Bloggie, my time is up. The shop will be closing now. 

I’ll get back to you soon. Ok.

Welcome Back!

Yes. I like to welcome myself again here. Of course, I always say sorry to you bloggie for not frequently visiting you and share what had transpired in my daily activities. You know, sometimes I  get very busy and no time browsing the net, indeed. 

 Anyway,  don’t worry maybe one day, there will be that  day that I am unstoppable sharing my stories. That’s for sure. I certainly anticipate that to happen. Maybe at the moment , I just can’t find the right words and scenario to begin my story. But definitely the next time will be a long one. 

I haven’t practiced my English skills in such a long time. and I guess sooner than I think I would start doing it again. That’s still my passion, learning and speaking english the right way and I hope I would benefit from it. That , time will come that I would be able to make myself  proud, of  not stopping learning from it. And I hope too that this would create a good investment for myself. To be more competitive at that.

 This is all for now.  be back soon. 

 Cheers!! 

pre - valentine event!!!

This is the day where I truly enjoy. I am a social member of our ERC  in our company and we had an activity where I had been my ownself. It was my first time to take video all throughout the event. That’s part of being a member. It’s like participating everytime there is an event. And i like it and I enjoyed doing it.

After our President’s Report, a pre-valentine party was prepared. There was a videoke that highlighted the event. I also joined other employees whom I don’t normally get mingled with. They are funny to be with and what gave me an excitement and made myself proud was when they asked me to sing and I gave it my all. I kind of nervous at first but hey I shined  afterwards. Well, i believe they liked what I performed. Though I think I have to be a  little bit more practicing with the songs that I will be singing  so in the future, I would be giving the best performances of my life.

 I love to entertain people. Before I was shy and I always get nervous but I am happy enough that I am able to conquer it . I don’t want to become boastful in anyway . i just want others to have fun too while I perform.  i think some were really surprised of my actuations awhile ago. They had not seen me like this acting that way before . But still I am happy I did it. I had fun indeed. I drunk a couple bottles of beer but I was not drunk. That’s actually surprising . I think I also puffed  about 10 sticks of cigarettes without the feeling of suffocation.

I really like the feeling of being with people and be myself.

Now, it’s 11:05 PM in my computer  desk and I am just alone here. I am not afraid.

I started to blog again. And I felt good since the flow of my thoughts are just coming out spontaneously and I got to express them in English language.  I genuinely like  the idea of expressing my thoughts in English. And I hope I would be able to express myself  well verbally  too.

It really takes time to learn it but with continual practicing such like this, I will be able to achieve it eventually.

 I believe on myself.  I really can do it!

This is all for now. I better be going home.

Thank you Father God for giving me and letting me to experience  another day full of joys and excitements.

 Till next time.  

Pre-new year’s thought

Hey

******************************************************************************************************************

3/16/09 10:58 PM

What was I supposed to share  here when I first created this. I thought I would be able to come back and write my thoughts here but sadly and so Funny! I hardly remember them now. It’s  only this time I am able to check this  blog of mine again and I am just starting typing words and trying to share some things  that  are just coming out my mind but it seems I have nothing to say again. So ironic!

There’s something wrong in me I think.   What could that be? well, I really don;t know.

I might figure it next time. Maybe I have no inspiration or something at the moment  so I couldn’t fully expres myself again.hey, that’s life I guess.

Ok. Done at the moment. Chiao!

unplanned activities

It’s Saturday and I don’t have anything to do at home. If I want to I would just watch TV all day and read books but (WTF!), I can’t help but I got  bored. So I just  decided to go to office and simply  surf  the net…lol.. I could surf whenever I want and it’s absolutely free… 

I am planning to go to Glorietta too later. Just for a window shopping, I guess. I might as well buy a hair coloring stuff. I would not buy this stuff  if I pay  it in cold cash.. Good thing I still have a gift check. lol.. lucky me, indeed! and  It would be cheaper than I visit a salon and have my hair colored. I will just try to experiment coloring my hair  by myself…  

This is what I want to share at the moment….

Mother’s touch and care

Last Thursday, I applied for a vacation leave on Monday from work. I decided to go to our province. I kinda miss my folks there.  So around 3:00 AM, I arrived here at the house.  I slept at around 4 AM after my Mom gave me a soft massage  at my back since I rode an aircon bus and the cold background in the bus triggered me to keep on coughing hard. I felt comfort after that. Nothing really compared with a mother’s touch. Hmmm… I really miss my Mom. I miss the care she always shows  us eventhough sometimes we are being harsh to her. Sorry Mom, I guess those are just sort of “paglalambing”….  I know you are always there for us whatever happens! In good times and in bad times. You may have some “flaws” but I/we thank God for giving you to us and we are very proud that you are our mother. I/we love you, Mama!!!

My Horoscope Today = "LIBRA"

 

Rarely would I check my horoscope to any newspaper that I come across my way. But today, as I arrived in the office, I decided to bring the newspaper in my desk and just planned to skim all the news for today. I  sit on my chair and as I kept turning every page of the newspaper , I got the chance to turn to Horoscope page. My zodiac sign? Of course, Libra. I was born in September 26. The seventh sign of the zodiac where the sun in this sign is from September 23 to October 22.   The Balance. The Scales. That’s really me!

Ok, what is my horoscope  tells me today? According to  Holiday Mathis, Horoscope columnist  in The Philippine Star,

” Life may seem to contradict you, to negate your rules and ignore your preferences. It’s trying to tell you something. It’s trying to encourage you to lose some of those  rules so you may more fully enjoy what is.”

I was really surprised with this statements. For me, Holiday Mathis just got it right.  It really strikes me. It’s like after not being interested  in reading my horoscope lately, I never expected that having got the chance to read  my horoscope again, it appears that ‘it” is really intended and belonged for me.

Though for the past weeks, I have this dilemma of “changing myself”,  to change  the things what I have been doing before. To ignore my preferences. In fact , it’s been 19 days now since I start to commit myself  to do a lot of changes. I have doubted some of my actions until now. But kind of relieved and freed from my fears having read my horoscope today. 

I kept on reading and trying to retain on my mind this statement, “It’s trying to tell you something. It’s trying to encourage you to lose some of those  rules so you may more fully enjoy what is.” 

So the “Rules” that I have been trying to lose for the passed 19 days is worth the try.

As  I have said, my “ journey ” would be a long process and having faith and commitment to it, everything is possible to achieve….. surely!

my "love" story

…..I got an email notification from one of my “multiply contacts” account regarding his blogs. He shared one of  blogs of his friends. It’s about his own love story. When and how   it was started and how it  was ended. I got this idea  to share mine too…..Do I have to?   Though  I felt quite uneasy sharing all the details…That’s the funny thing. I feel a certain fear inside of me….What if  others specially  those people who completely knew me get the chance to read it. They would definitely get surprised whatever revelations I would be sharing and writing  on my blog.  But still my heart says “Do it”.  Perhaps I would try to tell my story. I hope I’d be able to share what needs to be shared…..

morning thoughts

I got up early from bed. I did my usual morning stuffs. And before 7 am , I’m already at the office.  I had my breakfast. Actually, it’s only 3 pieces of bananas.

You know, lately I have been trying to eat less rice. So funny of me, apparently  I am getting concious of the bulge on my middle body part again. Yeah , my tummy is getting bulgy indeed. My waistline is getting wider specially my love handles part and I absolutely hate it. It frustrates me. I don’t know. I am just merely concious of it.  That’s what I feel everytime I look on the mirror half naked and I notice the bulges.

I actually promised to discipline myself. Promised not to eat rice (even a pinch of it) for the whole week but it didn’t happen at all …. lol…. Consequently I got restless and feeling lack of energy…. There I go, I find myself eating with rice on my menu. … lol….. and last night, after almost 3 days, I guess of dieting and eating less carbs, I notice some improvement in my waistline, hmmm.. 1 inch, half inch?! …shaping  better so far …. lol… but It’s only last night again  I ate a lot of  carbs again…I can’t help it..don’t blame me!!!..lol…

Well, just for the record, sometimes I also find myself not eating rice at all and I just console myself of getting a better results soon. That  I’m doing good. Maybe I  just simply watch my eating habits… d’yo think?

That’s it… 

chaotic thoughts

I like to scream….sumigaw ng malakas … to swear words…. But that is not my personality….… Kelan kaya ako magbabago…or is there really something that need to be changed about me? With regards in dealing with friends, workmates, sa lahat ng tao … ang gulo ko..

"S" = "R"

How would I share this? Why “S” = “R”?  Who is S and who is R? I’m having difficulty spilling the right words… so funny of me… I should have started blogging this  unexpected changes in S’ life. Well, S met R…. hmmmm..you’re  probably  getting the idea now, huh!. I guess what I wanna share with at the moment is S and R are starting to enjoy each other’s company. They are both “exchanging texts” that  S and R could  mutually understand.

And  yes, despite the fact  that  S knew that R is still committed to someone, maybe at this time, S must be very careful with his actions towards R.  S must not take the advantage of  courting R  considering R is starting to fall out of love with her current bf and R is starting to “mingle” with S.

Of course, S respects what the guy feels to if at anytime R would really decide to separate with him. And S would not be the reason why they would be breaking up. S is just trying to be friendly to R and whatever this might be leading to, no one could ever tell.

Though S is really feeling excited with this new scenario that is happening in his life, maybe S shall take time to study his feelings towards R  and not to be too emotional. S must think this thoroughly so he won’t regret this later on. 

That’s it for now.

S U P E R M A N

When people ask me , what kind of 

“Superhero” I want myself to be called for,  I would definitely tell them, I’d like to be called as “SUPERMAN”. My “Angel” used this again to sort of “alphabetize” or communicate her unconditional acceptance of my friendship to her . Here’s my second memoir…..

S –a iyo lang me nagtiwala ng ganito,,S u ko lang cnasabi din ito,, sana nga lang pahalagahan mo at wag kalimutan

U—nos may dumating, ashan mong ako’y nandirito pa rin…di magbabago o ni hindi maglalaho,,,,,alab ng pagkakaibigan ay mananatili hanggang aking kamatayan

P—uno ng pag-asa ang puso ko ngayon sapagkat pinatunayan mo sakin na maari ulit akong magtiwala sa isang taong tulad mo….

E—wan ko ba kung bakit sayo’y wala akong alinlangan, alam kong pag kasama kay ako’y masaya,, nawawala kalungkutan ko at agam-agam

R—egalo ka sa kin ng Maykapal,,ang tulad mo ang aking dinadasal…Salamat at Siya’y nakinig at ikay binigay sakin..

M—aaaring di ako perpekto,,baliw.,,, di tulad ng mga nakikilala mo pero ito lang masasabi ko sa lahat ng oras di kita bibiguin.,,asahan mo…yan ang pangako ko sayo..

A—raw ko’y nasisira kapag msma ang yung timpla,, masama rin ang pakiramdam kung may skit ka,, naiinis din kapag inis ka,,,sumasaya kapag masaya ka,,,,ano man ang yung ugali sigurado kong ako’y mahahawa…

N-ung nakilala ka naging kumpleto buhay ko,,,pakiramdam ko kahit ano mangyari basta kasama ka masaya na ko…di na ko nangangailangan ng iba..ikaw lang sapat na…maging tunay mong kaibigan,,,”ang sarap na ng buhay ko,, kuntento’t sapat na”…..

S H E R W I N

This is what I am talking about. My first memoir to share  with. My bestfriend whom she called herself as “Angel”composed this to me. She used my alphabet’s name to describe or express  her feelings towards me. It was the time, she’s learning to appreciate what I am doing to her. I remember that was the time she really felt my sincerety when I told her that I considered her as my bestfriend in our department.  Here it is….

S - omeday u will know how much you mean to me, coz

H - aving you makes me out of the blue, knowing that   

      life is full of colors and full of excitement

E - verytime your here at my side i know that there’s

     someone i can lean on and can trust a lot

R - eality bites that im lucky enough for having you in my

      Life

W - ith you I can express my feelings without

       pretentions, limitations and without extend to my  limits

I - know our friendship will be last forever, endlessly,

    and till the end of time

N - o one can compare to you and for me your one of a kind, the 

      only one in my heart…...